This post has taken me about a week to write. I’ve started and then stopped because of a bit of embarrassment on the subject matter. It’s about loneliness. I hate the word, and I feel like a loser even talking about it, but I must be truthful and say that it’s something I’ve battled. As of late, my loneliness has taken a turn and now I can see the purpose in it.
I’ve been dealing with loneliness my whole life. When I was a teenager, I felt little murmurs of loneliness, but I didn’t have a name for it. I decided when I was about 15 that I would cure this thing by simply getting a boyfriend. I’m 36 now---no boyfriend. That didn’t work. I’m laughing as I write that, but my singleness has been a whole journey that I can write at length about.
Let me just pause and tell you my whole plan: I would meet this magical man, and we would go to the movies, hold hands, talk about our dreams, talk on the phone for hours, write love letters during the day, get married of course, have children, and just live in bliss. I’m so shocked none of this happened! (that’s a real joke). I used this fantasy world to patch up this hole inside of me called loneliness. When my magical man showed up in bad situationships with men who were not well matched to me (I’m putting it lightly), I did other things: shopped, formed an addiction to food, got a dog, and simply made bad decisions.
I think people who know me are shocked by my battle with loneliness. I present as a very extroverted person who thrives on joking and connecting with people. And, that is true! But I think I was handed loneliness as a mountain in my life. I’m sure it’s a necessary stepping stone to figure out what my true purpose in life is. I’m at the point now where I’ve run out of things to do to patch up my loneliness. I’m in a new season of loneliness where I feel everything. My inner dialogue with myself runs deep, and I can sometimes feel physical pain from my loneliness. In the last two years, I feel that God has gently stripped away the things that I thought would fix me. That included a lack of boundaries, low confidence, people pleasing, over reliance on family and friends, and thinking I can do it on my own. I want to focus more narrowly on the phrase: gently stripped. I think God realized that I was doing too much on my own, and he has gently stripped away things that have truthfully left me a bit confused, broken, and in tears.
God gave me a little whisper the other day that he was making me strong incrementally. Stronger in character and faith. I’m learning that my loneliness is forcing me to rely solely on Him. I know that is hard to describe to people (this whole relying on a God I can’t see). But I’ve tried everything, and now I give up. Our society preaches this whole independence as you get older and to never give up and keep hustling. I reject it all. I give up gladly. I can’t do it myself, and it’s been so freeing to say, “I have no idea what to do.” No more championing this hyper-independence and relying on my Creator fully.
At a recent conference, I heard one of the speakers start a sentence with ‘When I fell in love with Jesus.’ And my first thought was, “Aww, good for her.” I thought that was something relegated to her and something I couldn’t get. This speaker was “super saved.” .
And then I thought, I have been searching for this magical love in a mate for years. And now, I give up. I want to fall in love with God. And after being saved for 10 years, I don’t think I’ve had. I’ve viewed God as a mean Father in the sky, and if I behaved well that he would bless me. Oh, I’m so glad that I was wrong. I know the truth now and He is the opposite. He is love.
So, now…my repetitive prayer is “Lord Jesus, show me is ALL…let me fall in love with you and encounter all that you are.” Part two of that prayer is “I don’t want to patch up any pain with anything else but you.”
My arms are wide open, and I’m expectant. I always equated loneliness with being overly needy and shamefully desperate. But I’m not ashamed to say “yes, I’m needy and desperate for it ALL. I can't wait for my encounter, and I’m equally excited to report back to you all with the great news on how marvelous it will be.
With Love,
From Within
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