Readers,
I have something weird to admit. I have a tendency to take aspirin any chance I get. It can be a slight headache, a runny nose, or an upset stomach…I’m not wasting time grabbing a Tylenol or Excedrin to take. I don’t ride it out. I hate pain, and I’m kinda a baby about it. I know this may sound unhealthy, but I assure you that I always use it as prescribed or as directed. However, it does reveal an interesting thing about how I relate to pain. I run away from it fast, and I’m sure I’m not unique from any other humans.
But, I titled this post “Finally Grateful” because I’ve reached a worthwhile conclusion. I am grateful for my journey in singleness. I gave my life to Christ ten years ago because of my singleness, and it has been a rollercoaster of suffering, joy, tears, opportunity, and revolving reflections. I can’t even believe that I’m writing that I’m grateful for the very thing that felt like it served as a death sentence. My life felt so incomplete, so unfulfilled because I hadn’t found a mate to “start” my life with.
Honestly, I thought God was keeping me single because I had not achieved the “invisible thing” needed to be partnered. I felt like God was picking on me because I felt like I watched undeserving people get the thing I had been searching for.
The thought was…if I achieve the following, then I will get the man of my dreams. I started taking a symbolic pill for the following:
Wearing my hair a certain way
Wearing “nicer” clothes
Appearing confident
Being agreeable at all costs
There are more that I can’t think of right now,, but every time I felt I reached a milestone…I thought God was going to finally bless me with Mr. Right. But, I’m 37, and it hasn’t happened. And I’m finally not mad about it.
Being single has allowed me the ability to know myself and to meet face to face with long suffering. And, I can now see the purpose in my pain. It has bought me incredible peace through rocky times and created an inner strength and courage that I’m proud of.
To my Father Jesus:
Thank you God for forgiving me over and over again when I went astray and pursued relationships with men that I knew were unhealthy. You knew I was searching for closeness and connection and you didn’t persecute me, but you stretched your arms around me. You built my confidence, my self-worth, and put my perspective into focus. You’ve made me content, and I know now that my life is a miracle. Everything in my lineage says something different, and I’ve been afforded so much opportunity. It’s undeserved, and I’m thankful.
I want to be clear that my yearning for love remains. Now, it doesn’t dominate. Now, I have the tools to make sure it doesn’t encapsulate my whole life. Readers, I wish you could read my journal entries from when I was 19 when I was crying on those pages. To reach this point is remarkable. So glad that I’m finally grateful.
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